Since they have an entire month set aside to honor adoption. I felt it necessary to share something I’ve been wanting to for awhile.
Yes my life after adoption was far from perfect. Some of the stories I could tell would haunt your sleep.
BUT
(and that is a BIG Butt)
It took me a long time to see it. Which usually comes with maturity.. atleast thats what they tell us.
You know that saying “You’ll understand when you’re older.”?
Its true, to a degree.
Although things did not go as we all dreamed about while in the Children’s home, I’m thankful for the way my life turned out.
I’m thankful that I was adopted out of poverty, drugs and only God knows what else.
I’m thankful I was in a Christian orphanage.
I’m thankful that I was able to live a life I wasn’t suppose to live.
I’m thankful I had my own room, hundreds of acres to run and play on, caves in MY back yard to explore at my leisure. I had horses, dogs, cats, goats, cows, peacocks, bunnies, chickens…like how lucky was I?!
But most of all I’m thankful for the ability to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. Sure there are some things that seemed hypocritical about the religion in my childhood based off of home practices and others within the church.
Sure I didn’t get the happy Christian family with a mom and dad that love me and put me first. But boo-fricken-hoo. seriously.
Life could have been sooooo much worse.
Deep down I knew that there were plenty of people that had it worse than I.
I would always tell myself during those sleepless nights “Some one has it much worse”
I lived by that saying. And while that kept me moving forward, it did do some internal damage where I devalued my life and my experiences.
While I knew there were plenty of other people that had it worse than me, it wasn’t until the summer before my sophomore year of college that I actually met someone who had it worse than me.
Talk about an identity crisis. But it was beautiful. For the first time in my life, I was no longer “The girl with the story” The focus was no longer on me. It was so freeing. Life giving.
Outside of the Christian bubble, my life was pretty normal. Outside of the Christian bubble, my life was pristine and desirable.
But inside the Christian bubble, lordy watch out “that girl has baggage.”
What a distorted way things are. Shouldn’t it be the opposite?
Ok, That’s a rant for another day.
Back to being thankful.
When I think about the things I had in life, I am really blessed.
Before adoption, I thought horses were as real as unicorns…seriously. Now look at me. ❤
Before being adopted by my current adopted mother, I almost was adopted SEPARATELY from my brother. I can’t even imagine that. He was my rock. He was my mom and my dad. He was my sanity. He was what kept me moving forward. I would have died for him. And to be separated from him, I can’t even imagine.
I cannot even……………………imagine.
When I was first adopted, life was pretty awesome. I felt like a princess, I was being spoiled, had animals, got to pick out my own pony. Got all the pretty Easter dresses, got every barbie castle you could imagine and of course the dress to match. Life was great. My brother and I constantly were going on adventures, whether it was with horses or with the swords he collected making our own trails.
I’d give anything to go back to then. I would tell my brother to stay strong, I would have told my brother to create his own life. I would have told him, I know you feel alone, but I love you! I would have asked him “Why wasn’t my love good enough?”
I would have gotten someone to help him.
If I could go back to then, I would tell my adopted mother to not let me go. I would tell her that it would all work out. I would ask her to not choose him, all of the “hims”, over me. I would have asked her to stay strong. I would have asked her to not forget that I’m a kid too. I am a kid too.
I would have asked her to remember why she adopted me. Why did she adopt me?
I would have reminded her of how much fun we use to have, and what she saved me from.
I would have asked her to pause, take a breath, and get a game plan, one that includes me as well.
I would have asked her to save what she was unintentionally, slowly destroying.
I would have told her that together we are strong.
I would have begged her to not disregard my feelings.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have said many different things.
But I can’t change what was. I can’t change what we went through.
Life with her was so wonderful in the beginning, we had a great relationship..But life happened, as it does to all of us.
When we are weak, areas of our life start to plummet and sometimes that means relationships become toxic and unfortunately that’s what happened with us. I wasn’t the oldest and I wasn’t the youngest anymore. I was in the middle, old enough to take care of myself to a degree and young enough to not be involved in the drama.
You see, I had a little sister who was much younger than I, much more fragile than I, she also was blood of my adopted mother. Although we want to believe favorites don’t occur, we know deep down they do.
Naturally, momma bear went to her. and sometimes, people aren’t emotionally strong enough to bare the weight of the world for everyone, so they do what they can to survive. It makes sense. Truly.
Sometimes that means others get put on the back burner. for years. sometimes that means people get hit with the shrapnel from others’ wars.
Looking back now, I know that’s what happened to me. To us.
So no, life wasn’t always hell. In fact, life didn’t start going down hill till about 7th grade.
I think deep down she knew.
I think deep down she could see what was happening to me in her fight to survive from a corrupt marriage that led into two others.
I also think there were gestures along the way to show that she was trying but the damage internally for me was so large that I couldn’t see nor appreciate.
She was my new family. I already lost my first adopted dad and then we were on to the next and the next. What about me? She was MY new family. What about MY new beginning? What about my second chance at a happy ending?
Is this what adoption is? You wait forever, getting bounced home to home and then when it finally miraculously happens, you lose your first new adopted dad due to divorce and a car accident? Please tell me no.
Then you get another dad who your new mother has a kid with? He turns out to be psychotic, puts your new little sister’s life in danger so your new found life turns into making sure the little one remains safe. Building your new life is put on a back burner, these new relationships stop in mid air. And they never pick back up where they left off.
The relationships become more and more toxic. Strangers living together, one young enough to not understand (me) and the other one old enough to be scarred for life (my brother) and the youngest of us all not having the slightest clue (new little sister)
So all in all here I am, I survived.
Yea my family is made up of many different families who were there for me during different times of my life. Sure my parents are my exes parents. And I love them dearly.
Sure the holidays are always alittle wanky.
But heres the thing, this is my life, and through it all, I’m truly thankful. I love all the people I’ve gotten to meet along the way. I LOOOVVVVEEEE the diversity of my life, I love the awkwardness of introducing people. I use to hate it lol.
Like “Uh ya im going to my parents house.”
“Wait, you’re adopted moms? or you birth parents? ”
“Ha, No, my exe’s parents ;)”
How weird right? lol
Nooo I think its pretty baller. Why? because it takes strong ass people to take in others with baggage, especially ones that have no relation to you.
Sure my adopted aunts and uncles, grandma(s), cousins you name it let me out of their life so easily. But I go to pick my family. It’s like backwards from the adoption process. I kind of got to choose who was mom and dad, and I kind of have like 3 dads and like 3 moms.. and an endless amount of brothers, sisters and aunts…
I got handed a crappy hand of cards, but I played them well and ended up in a circle of love ❤
Praise God for Him bringing in a man into my life who can handle all of this lol
And who knows, maybe one day I’ll get to officially have his family be another wonderful large edition to my family… if you catch my drift 😉 lol
As far as my adopted mother and me?
That story is still being written… I’ll keep you guys posted.
I’m hoping there’s a redemption story somewhere here..but it’s in her hands now.
If you’re reading this, adopted mother, yea the pain is there. And we have had this discussion before. I won’t ignore it and act like nothing ever happened. But I will move on and work towards a better future with you, if you want. I forgive you. I understand. I hate it. But I do understand. We are only human, and life wasn’t easy for you either.
If you can accept me for who I am, my gifts, abilities and all that comes with me, I’ll be ready to start anew.
Sincerely,
A Genuine Destiny.
Journey to a Genuine Destiny 
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