That’s not polite.

Remember in my first entry when I said this blog is going to be raw and pure emotion? (Now would be a good time to at least read “The words I tried to say”, my first entry, if you haven’t already, which is the preface to my blog as a whole. It would just help you understand the heart and mind behind this blog.)

You will literally be so confused if you don’t start from the beginning with my first entries.. in ORDER…but that’s up to you *shrugging emoji*

So the first three entries had a taste of bitter and anger to you, I said some things that probably pissed you off, and or caused you to judge me. Which probably got you thinking:

Dang girl! See a therapist or something already, stop holding onto all of that anger.

Which is fine- I get it. (or should I say, I’ve always gotten it——that response)

I’ll politely ask you to remember each time I share- to ultimately understand that your opinion will never be fully valid– the closest that your opinion will ever be valid is IF/AND when we were to ever meet in person, and THEN fully dive into said emotion.

Until then, know that I am not ashamed of my emotions and nor should you be of yours. On the other hand- pure emotions with no professional help can be toxic and should not be left unattended. I have spent many years crying through situations and reaching out to mentors and counselors to help guide me towards the light.

Furthermore,

It’s natural for you to *once you* know my past, clearly see how emotional I am of a person, to then automatically assume that I; need therapy, that I have issues, that I will never get over my past, insert X Y or Z. You name it, I’ve heard it all and/or seen your face tell it to me.

But you are wrong. It’s not fully your own fault. This is the way society has shaped our minds to view anything that makes us feel uncomfortable. It’s your choice how you will respond OR react to any situation or narrative that’s different than your own.

I will speak boldly and speak my mind because my mind is beautiful. (angel just keep telling yourself that—-don’t worry, I will)

For some unknown reason [to me] it is human’s first response to feel uncomfortable at the site of tears. We often feel awkward. The first site of tears leaves us running for the hills. Other times tears cause people to mock said tears, call them names like a pansy, wimp or even a pussy. But my favorite is when someone tells me to get tougher skin.

At first I would get so pissed because I knew that it was probably true. I knew that I would hear this for the rest of my days and it just annoyed the hell out of me.

I would hear it so often from co workers, “Better get tougher skin if you want to survive here”

friends “You need to toughen up and not care so much”

and even those whom took a parental role for me through-out my life: ” Gotta get thicker skin if you are going to make it out there”

I knew that I would never be that tough girl I wanted to be so desperately. The tough girl that you couldn’t make cry, the tough girl that wasn’t effected by tragedy.  I’ve fought with this for years, I was so ashamed of my tears, of my story, of me.

“Gosh Angel why do you always have to talk about your past”

“Oh I’m sorry, is it offensive to you when the conversation is centered on you?”

No I didn’t say that, at all, in fact I cried about it lol and cowarded away because I’m a people pleaser. Now this conversation above was years ago even before college but man did it stick with me.

Get tougher skin and don’t talk about your past. Alright I got it. I can do this. And so for years I played the game of fitting in and just about ruined my entire college carreer. I tried so hard to be what I thought I was suppose to be. Until senior year, I just embraced it all. It was wonderful but yet another story for another time!

You want to tell me to get tougher skin? Sure go for it but make sure you have an extinguisher to put out the fire you just lite.

And it wasn’t until about a month ago I started speaking my mind about “Getting tougher skin” after someone said something to me that set me over the edge. I’ve always been the worst to come back with a quick witty response. I’ve always just awkwardly walked away and or laughed but of course not until after I got hives all across my chest. But not anymore…if my current job as done anything for me–it’s turn me into a border line hard-ass– however if you ask my boyfriend- he will tell you that I have been a hard ass since we started dating—a year and a half ago. But the truth is, I dance on the fine line of sensitive and hard ass- But it’s a beautiful line, a line that confuses everyone, keeps people on their toes. And I love it ❤

Alright so are you ready for story time?

During my college years, I took many classes that encouraged and highly challenged who I am–my identity, all that I stand for, what makes me walk each step and breathe each breath. I’ve always had a pretty strong grasp on who I am at my core, and I’ve never felt as if I didn’t know who I was. However you can always learn more and I have learned quite a bit more about myself. I have learned about Myers-Briggs, my role in a group project etc. But it wasn’t until I lived with my housemate who really dived into type A and type B personalities with me.

I have a conflicting personality, but maybe that is because I don’t let anything define me like the true millennial I am! haha JK 😉 (you are a millennial Angel because you just put “haha JK 😉 )

But I have learned I am certainly a type A- there is a way for things to be done and one way only and that is the right way unless of course there is a better way for it to be done then by golly I am going to find it! -end tiny rant-

With that being said, no matter HOW hard you try there will ALWAYS be someone who will knock you to your knees; giving you a reason why you’re wrong.

You become like the company you keep right? If you are surrounded by a bunch of people who are no longer in their prime so to say, who hate their life and assume that all people have some sort of agenda- you would start seeing the bad in people too wouldn’t you? Start pre-judging people in your mind?- wondering how an interaction was going to go. I mean wouldn’t you?

You would probably like to say ‘No I am  better than that’- Well at least I would like to say that. I would like to say that I have perfectly executed kindness and grace, fairness and love but MAN how I have failed. and continue to do so. In my attempt to avoid becoming bitter I became bitter towards those who were bitter and trying to strip me of my tears. And then I carried a bit of shame for carrying that bitterness around. Yes, tiring is most certainly a word I would use for that cyclical work out

And now…???

I’m just like “ok how do I possibly balance all of this” lol

When I get overwhelmed- I turn my eyes onto who I am striving to be- Who I am at my core. I am not mean at my core, I am not judgmental, I’m oblivious and naïve (to a point) and I love it. I’m still that girl who is obsessed with horses and flowers. I love that when I meet someone for the first time I don’t automatically assume what they make or what they drive. I don’t assume that they are going to be nothing to me. But I do assume a number of other things, I assume that they will not take me seriously, I assume that they are much more knowledgeable than I, I assume that they are going to be kind and respectful, I assume that they are going to like me or not like me, I assume that they want fairness for all, I assume that they have the same beliefs and morals as I do.  I mean the list goes on and on but I won’t bore you with my unprecedented assumptions.

So I’m not sure what having thick skin means to you, but to me it means making it through a hail storm and coming out both tough and soft.

Please continue to tell me to get tougher skin. But really? me get tougher skin? NO YOU GET THE FUCK OUT AND STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME. ((Oh wait, that’s not polite, that’s not polite))

If I wasn’t tough do you really think that I would have made it to where I am today? Do you think I would working in the field that I am today? No! tears do not mean WEAK! Caring for people absolutely does not mean frail!

IT TAKES STRENGTH TO CARE! Because those who care know they will be hurt. It’s easy to build a wall, and not allow anyone in. Tears fall from the steel cheeks and sincere hearts! I’ve fought my whole life being told to “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” I’ve been told my tears are fake. Like what? and To this day I literally get mocked for my tears. HELL it was just yesterday there was a guy in his fifties literally laughing at me!

Strength is a woman who was a mentor and a mother to me, who never held back her tears, who cared with the largest heart I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Tough skin is the woman who continued to care when her care was not wanted. Tough skin is trying to see the good in people still even when you know the truth. Strength is Momma B, {{Diane Bohrer}} The Lord put her in my life so many years ago to be an inspirational soul to be with me miles away when the tears would find me in the dark.

I see tough [life] as a ladder. You can either look down at the others who seem to be less strong than you-with pride, or you can look up to those who seem to be stronger with heroism. I’m not the toughest woman on earth, in fact I could name a multitude of women and ethnicities who are much more tougher than I on so many levels. But that’s just it, I am not them! Nor they, I.

 

So please don’t hold me to your standard of tough, and I won’t hold you to mine 😉

 

PS- check out “The Rough and Tumble’s” song “That’s not polite”

A song that stuck out to me at their concert during my early years at Malone University.