Didn’t See That Coming

 

**NOTE** I write to a specific person, meaning type of person. This entry may not be tailered to your way of thinking THIS time and that’s ok. Just read it for what it is. My writings are not for everyone. And if you find yourself offended by it, then your the exact person I’m referring to.

Reasons to be offended.

1. You are the person I am calling out or

2. You aren’t understanding what my goal is here.

 

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Ok the entry we all have been waiting for…

This is not my writing, nor my story to tell. I am sharing it with you, with honor and respect for the writer. After the story, I share my thoughts and go on a passionate wave.

Enjoy….

This writer had reached out to me after I shared “The story I wasn’t allowed to tell” and I then asked if he/she would want to write an entry… With enthusiasm this person wrote up a nice entry that followed the direction of where I see my blog going… So I sent it back with a few edits so that it could be better understood.

Unfortunately it kept taking longer and longer to get back to me so I would gently keep reminding, checking in on the entry to see if it would be ready to post..

After just about giving up due to having other entries ready, I got a response from the writer,  ultimately saying that life had just gotten away from this person and it took an unexpected turn of events.

The writer then asked me to add additional text to what was previously sent in..

I contemplated it for a bit.

“Could I possibly post this? It’s so dark.. even a little scary.”

After about a minute, if that, I changed my thinking.

Angel, you can’t possibly edit out real. You would be going against everything you preached in the beginning of all your previous entries. ((Come on people, you better have read my previous entries–my writing can be confusing on its own–you don’t want to read it out of order and make it even harder))

Anyways:

This writer’s vulnerability came with a good bit of responsibility on my shoulder’s, and accountability to be frank.

I’ll first share what the writer originally sent, then I will share the additional entry.

“I always thought that since the day I was born I was destined to lose. I did what ever I could to get by, but never seemed to be enough. People say everyone has it rough, yeah some do but it’s what shapes you into who you are. If you deal with tough times boo-hooing about it things will never change. I’ve been abused as an infant, removed from birth parents and bounced around the system till my early teens. Have you ever felt unwanted or unloved? If your answer is yes then ask yourself this. Have you ever been truly unwanted or really have no one care about you? 99% of you will say no, I had no one, no parents or aunts uncles, cousins, grandparents, or siblings.. I struggled at making friends because I was different, or I didn’t fit in to the mold today’s society thinks I should be. Do you know what it was like missing your entire childhood? Birthday parties I couldn’t attend, I never got to have treasured moments with my parents, I didn’t get to do kid stuff. I didn’t learn to ride a bike till I was a teen. I’m not trying to say “ohh poor me” or want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to say that when you feel down or unwanted just remember someone has went through worse… I look back at my life and even through the hard times I still smile, because even though I’ve had it pretty tough, I’m still here, even though many times I’ve been in a room alone, no lights on, usually drunk or high, with a gun to my head, uncontrollably sobbing and cussing myself because I wasn’t man enough to pull the trigger.. I’ve built my own life, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I got clean, I got sober, I worked toward my passion for helping others and became a firefighter/EMT and Rescue Technician, I’ve made my own choices, I’ve worked and payed for everything I have, no one handed me a thing and I never expected anyone to. I look back at that 2 year old laying in an alley for 18 hours, bleeding on the inside from a push down a fire escape, from the people that he thought were supposed to love him the most… I can say now that I didn’t need them. I made it on my own..”

 

ADDITIONAL ENTRY

“Sorry things have been a lil tough. If ya wanna add this to what I already sent ya. My phone was stolen. Since I first started this piece i’ve had two relapses, been homeless, sat in the front row of 3 funerals, and nearly ended it all four times.. The scariest thing I’ve discovered about ending your own life is not being afraid… I used to be terrified when I laid the gun down, I’d ask “what the hell was I doing”, now I just call myself a coward for not having the balls to just end it. I’ve come to the conclusion my life will not be very long, and it will most likely end with a self inflicted injury. Life has been more than just tough, it’s been cruel, when I was down it kicked me even harder, spit in my face, then dared me to get up.. I always stood up just to get nailed by life again. Being happy just wasn’t in the cards for me. If my life was to end tomorrow, I don’t know of 10 people that would show at my funeral. I’ve spent my life all alone. No one there to help me in the tough times, and no one to share the good times with. That right there is tough.. Everyone should have someone to count on when times get tough.. I’m going to conclude this piece with something that has talked me out of many dark places, Joshua 1:9 ‘I will be strong and courageous I will not be terrified or discouraged, for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go’ ”

Now friends, that’s real and very unedited.

Some of you may know this person where as most will not. He has asked that he remain anonymous.

I think that this writer really asked some awesome questions of self reflection…

You think you are alone?

How alone are you really? Who are you ignoring in your life who is actually truly there for you. Who are you taking advantage of? Who are you under appreciating?

Whether you feel alone or not—I’m sure there are people in your life that, if the good Lord called them home today you would be regretful. Well I know I would.

I also think this reader ties in well to one of previous entries about the school system and how natural tendencies train students to judge and outcast those who don’t have cookie cutter lifestyles.

I know for me specifically, I believe in my gut that I would have been better off not going to a Christian University. Where I gained tremendously from the professors, it was a million steps backwards socially.

I have spoken with multiple people who have colorful backgrounds like myself and they have all had the same or similar conclusion–that even eventually led to transferring out of a Christian College..

My question is…why on earth is this even something that people think about.

Isn’t Christianity all about including those who are “less fortunate” “different” etc. etc.??

But the funny thing is–some of my (and others) biggest heart aches are all from Christians and a lot of them came from a Christian students I met through Malone University.

No wonder my brother turned away from Christianity.

((you sure are dogging Christianity Angel..))

Yes I am 🙂

I will continue to do so.

I haven’t turned away from Christianity because of the one Christian (Well more like 10) that have wronged me in some of the worst ways. It is just is a prime example that Christians aren’t perfect even though we try so hard to be. Pretend to be.

Get off your damn high horse and go love the weirdo, go speak to the homeless person you seem to know so well. Go talk to the young mother who had sex before marriage with a kid who wasn’t ready to stay. Go spend a day at the homeless shelter and learn just how hard it is to “GO GET A FUCKING JOB”

If there’s anything I’ve learned through all of judgement not only I’ve faced but people like the writer from today is that those who are the most judgmental are the ones who are those most IGNORANT —(Careful Angel that’s a pretty strong statement—)) Calm down, I mean ignorant as in what it is intended for “lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated”

The ones I’ve received the most judgement from were the spoiled prudent Christians who had college handed to them, their car handed to them, their phone, their computer, their clothes. All of it. Never had to fight for food, love, attention let alone their life. They never lost someone they loved. They had both parents that never through a fist, or grasped their throat just enough that they couldn’t breath.

So how could they possibly understand genuinely what he or I could be going through? How can they judge said person. I really am baffled at this concept–judgement and damnation with no knowledge. They truly are ignorant to such feelings or experience. However status gives them credibility.

I feel for this writer, I truly do. But only the emotions that I have experienced, which is more than a lot of you but still less than him.

It’s easy to judge when one does not know. But you are the worst type of person for diminishing a human being who is “below you”

I forgive you. I have moved on. But I have not forgotten. I never will; because of you, I write.

I will share every story sent to me because it is a privilege and my honor to do so.

Once again I share to challenge your perspective. To make you uncomfortable. So much so, that maybe, you’ll actually do something the next time one of “us” crosses your path.

 

Sincerely,

A Genuine Destiny.